i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
