One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
