Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
