its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
