Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
