After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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