i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
