So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
