genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
