i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
