They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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