i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Randomize
