It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
