This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
