you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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