Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She needs sedatives and a leash
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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