I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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