I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
True strength comes from lack of pants
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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