I think I won the penis lottery.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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