I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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