why didn't you poke me back
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
