so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
