someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
