peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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