god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
