Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Randomize
