I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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