I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
my liver is dry heaving
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
