OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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