porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
