life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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