This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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