I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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