I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
