I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
