Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
