"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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