Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
