Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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