Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
