the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
