I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
