It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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