non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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