That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
