I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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