Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Randomize
