I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
