My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
