filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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